the gravity of secrets
by cathaya
Summary: I could shatter her life: just as gravity would drag this wine glass to its doom should I drop it, so could she be broken ... Dark Alex, on his love of secrets. Featuring Roger, Alanna, Jonathon. Tortall.


**I could shatter her life: just as gravity would drag this wine glass to its doom should I drop it, so could she be broken …**

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Length: 677 words.  
Rating: K+  
Fandom: Tamora Pierce's _Song of the Lioness_ quartet.  
Pairings: Jonathon/Alanna, Alex/Alanna and Alex/Roger if you squint.

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**the gravity of secrets**

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_I. Alex_

Alex of Tirragen loves secrets.

They make him feel powerful, like knowledge and physical strength; just as he studies hard and trains relentlessly, and he observes the people around him.

Because Alex doesn't flirt with girls and brag loudly about his combat skills as his year-mates do, people say he is introverted; an abnormality. They don't understand him, and what people cannot comprehend they fear. Alex hears their whispers with indifference. He knows the palace residents have nothing better to do than talk, talk, talk—unlike him.

Alex listens. He watches life intently, searching for hidden meanings and truths concealed by lies concealed by truths.

He catches secrets in his dark hands as they fall like glistening raindrops.

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_II. Alan_

Alan of Trebond, with his strange amethyst eyes, intrigues Alex.

When they first meet Alex is impressed by the younger boy's fierce determination and passion. Alex is silent when the other boys talk about small Alan, upholding the time-honoured tradition of bolstering their own morale by arrogantly expressing their doubts over his ability to withstand the pages' demanding training. Alex thinks they will regret underestimating the boy. Alex knows that Alan will succeed with a bone-deep certainty that he does not understand.

Years later, when they fight for the last time, Alex believes that they are fated by the gods to be rivals.

After all, Alex was nothing less than truthful when he told Roger of Conté that Alan's swordsmanship is equal to his, and one day may be better.

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_Interlude:__ Roger_

Roger has a secret. Or many. He positively _radiates_ them, decorates himself with them tastefully to Alex's eyes as a king wears jewels, and this is what attracts Alex to him. Not his charm or wealth or Conté good looks, nor his glorified reputation as a sorcerer (Alex cares not for the subtleties of magic, incidentally; he prefers secrets of a more viable nature), nor his relationship to the royal family.

Alex is curious because he senses that Roger's secret is immense and powerful and dangerous and he wants to know what it is and maybe, just maybe, be a part of it.

So when Roger singles him out one day in the training grounds, Alex allows him to interrupt his sword drills, bowing fluidly in almost mocking respect.

Roger's eyes glint. Be my squire, he says.

Learn my secrets, he doesn't say.

Thank you, your grace, Alex accepts.

Show me—the words are never uttered but they are heard.

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Roger is like a star; Alex orbits around him, a protector; the seductive gravity of the secret holding him there.

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_I__II. Alanna_

Alex sees the lingering, significant looks between the Prince and Alan. He observes the blush that graces Alan's cheeks when he glances surreptitiously at the Prince; the arrogant Prince's intimate, suggestive smiles; Alan's expression of carefully controlled jealousy when the Prince dances with lady after beautiful lady; and the Prince's odd possessiveness of his squire.

He sees mind games and he sees passion and he sees love—and not the kind of love one would expect between a squire and his knight-master.

Alex recalls Alan's reluctance to swim and numerous other suspicious differences between Alan and the other boys. A veil is lifted from his vision and he realises with sudden clarity: Alan is Alanna.

Alex savours the delicious potential of this secret—how empowering it is, the ability to affect events and people! History, even. Twirling a wine glass by its fragile stem and sipping the sharp liquid, admiring the way the light plays in its rich ruby depths, Alex contemplates the hold he has over her while she spends the night in Jonathon's bed, unaware. Alanna's career and reputation, her very life, could be shattered much like the glass of wine, should he be so inclined.

He smiles darkly, heart thrumming with anticipation for a day of confrontation, awaiting them in the future at a crossroad in time.

Alan—Alanna—of Trebond is a living secret; and Alex loves secrets.

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An old drabble I found, revised once again. My friend just returned my Alanna books—perhaps I shall reread them …


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